The Thermostat, the Jelly and the Mould

By Marika Opara

Reflecting on competence, softness and why I’ll only melt for a man who can hold his shape.

A friend of mine recently confessed she doesn’t know how a thermostat works. She’s nearly 40. I almost choked on my tea.

“How can you not know?” I asked, incredulous.

But then I realised, she’s never needed to. There’s always been someone there to keep her house warm.

What a world that must be where warmth is guaranteed and you never have to worry how it came to be that way.

I have not known safety like that since I lived at home with my parents.

When I encounter women who I perceive as ditsy it irritates me, which is irrational because their lack of awareness has no material effect on my life. I wouldn’t even describe my annoyance as derived from jealousy. I admit that I do not have the luxury of playing the ditsy role. I don’t flutter because I have to function. I can run a household, a business, a three-part schedule and a therapy practice before breakfast.

I am not intimidating but I am fluent in responsibility and that can be confronting especially for people who have spent a lifetime avoiding theirs.

When it comes to the pursuit of romance, I want so much to soften and relinquish control but I need to feel safe with a competent adult at the wheel. I don’t need financial assistance but I yearn for emotional reliability. I want someone who notices without being told and who offers steadiness without the need for fanfare.

Competence in women is too often seen as a threat when really it’s an invitation for potential partners to rise. Men love a bit of self-development, but maybe it’s time to swap motivation for imagination. Read fiction - it’s empathy-rehearsal. Ditch the hustle podcasts and listen to discussions about women’s hormones, menopause and the mental load. Learn what it means to live in a Lamborghini-like body that is high-performance, beautiful and complex. It needs understanding, not optimisation.

And please do half the housework. No one enjoys it, and women aren’t naturally better at it. We’ve just been conditioned to care more. Unless you’re hiring a cleaner for both of us, pick up a duster. That’s just being an adult.

While we’re on the topic of productivity gurus: if the author you’re reading has children and never once mentions how he managed childcare, just throw the book in the bin or re-categorise it as fiction. Productivity that ignores parenting is a fairy tale built on someone else’s unpaid labour.

This same illusion made companies like Tate & Lyle rich from sugar. It wasn’t entrepreneurial genius – it was free labour. Different century, same delusion. Success that hides who is actually doing the work is exploitation with good branding.

So what do I want? I don’t want to be in control of everything. I just want to know that if I let go, someone else will stoke the fire.

I can be soft – gloriously so – but softness needs somewhere to rest.

I can be the jelly, if he can be the mould. It’s just about trust.

So yes, I am a very specific type of single and ready to mingle: soft where it matters. Strong where it’s needed. And entirely uninterested in pretending otherwise.

#WomensVoices #SundayReads #YouMagazineStyle #WomenOver40 #LoveAndLife #EmotionalIntelligence #SelfAwareWoman #ContemporaryFeminism #RelationshipRealTalk #CompetentWomen #ModernRelationships #EmotionalReliability #DomesticLoad #MentalLoad #FeminineStrength #SoftnessAndStrength #EmpathyInAction #ModernLoveStories #FeministHumour